MINNEAPOLIS, MN - AUGUST 29: SpongeBob SquarePants delivers the ceremonial first pitch prior to the game between the San Diego Padres and the Minnesota Twins at Target Field on Friday, August 29, 2025 in Minneapolis, Minnesota. (Photo by James Vigil/MLB Photos via Getty Images) | MLB Photos via Getty ImagesHow tough am I? How tough am I? I watched that entire Mariners game with the audio on.The Mariners couldnt cut it at the Salty Spittoon on Tuesday, losing to the Tigers 8-0 in the first game following the trade deadline. Emerson Hancock pitched fine but had some poor defense behind him. Seranthnoy Domnguez made his Mariners debut and got shelled. The lineup posted a big ol zero. Maybe they should try Weenie Hut Juniors instead. The Mariners had the gall to implode on SpongeBob Night at the ballpark. If you see a link in the writing that follows, give it a click if you wish to sing along.Have you finished those errands?This was the first game after the trade deadline, allowing the Mariners to unveil what theyve been working on the last few weeks. Its the moment youve been waiting for, in other words. Taylor Ward and Domnguez joined the team. Jhonny Pereda made the trip up I-5 to replace Mitch Garver, who was let go along with Rob Refsnyder. Even Brendan Donovan returned from his latest trip to the injured list. This felt like a good opportunity for a reset. It was not.Keep going, youre goodThe Tigers did most of their damage in the third. Zach McKinstry doubled to lead off the inning and made his way to third on a groundout. Gleyber Torres then hit a big chopper to short. Colt Emerson reached up to snag it, then fired home to nab McKinstry at the plate.It was a nice play!But this was an inning that just wouldnt end. Dillon Dingler slapped a hard single past a diving Emerson at short to put two on with two out. Riley Greene hit a broken-bat slow roller to Emerson again, who ranged so far to his right that he had to backhand the ball and make a crossbody throw. Unfortunately, it was a poorly aimed crossbody throw, sailing weast of first and into foul territory, allowing the first run to score. Colt Keith dropped a looping single into right field to plate two more and make the game 3-0. It was still early, but this already felt enough like the 2026 Mariners that I started watching SpongeBob videos instead.Hi, how are yaHancock would eventually give up a legitimate run on a solo shot to Greene in the fifth. Otherwise, Hancock was fine. He threw six innings, struck out six and kept the hard contact to a minimum. It was a perfectly normal start.Greetings, from Apple WorldThe game was still 4-0 in the ninth, and Dan Wilson saw fit to bring in Domnguez for a no-pressure debut. He got shelled. Domnguez walked the first batter then gave up a single. After an out, he gave up a three-run homer to Gleyber Torres. Then he immediately gave up another homer to Dingler. After another single and another walk, his night was done.Thats not my walletThe Mariners would have lost this one no matter how many runs they gave up. They scored zero. It wasnt the absolute worst performance of the year, but only because theres been a lot of competition. They picked up just four hits all singles and three walks without ever really threatening. In fact, they picked up only two hard hit balls all night, as Troy Melton ate everything in sight. They couldnt lay off the hook (it was a splitter but let me have this one). The Mariners tepid deadline was largely an acknowledgement that they wont go anywhere if their existing starts step up. They still seem to be in denial of their identities. Not even Ward could get them going, with an 0-for in his debut.Tax exemptionColt Emerson struck out swinging in the fourth on a fastball at eye level, which is the type of thing people say to mean high, but this one was literally at eye level. Not to pick on the kid, but this was a bit avant garde.Sorry, I dont speak ItalianDominic Canzone hit a single in the first inning.NosferatuThe Mariners wont have to worry about the Hash-Slinging Slasher in game two because the Tigers traded him to the Dodgers. Instead, theyll face Drew Anderson.I remember chocolateMariners 50 is this weekend, and the team is certainly making a big deal of it. There was a dramatic reveal earlier in the day that Alex Rodriguez will show his face. Dae Ho Lee threw out the first pitch of the game. Jay Buhner and Lou Piniella are in town. The team announced it will air Fridays home run derby. Its going to be a celebration of sorts.The stars at night are dull and dimBoth Texas teams won tonight. The Mariners are back in third.Its OK, Rocky, you go when you feel like itI keep waiting for this team to get going. Theres been several opportunities for a narrative shift, between the All-Star Break, a clutch homer, the calendar flipping to August, the return home, the deadline, etc. But the magic conch shell has yet grant permission. It seems theyre content to go at their own pace. Maybe its time to put this season to rest. Theres always next year.